My Body, My Spirit, My Journey

 

Today I was reflecting on a new (of so many) journeys that I began last November. On Thanksgiving actually. I decided that I needed to work on self-love. I realized that I had been taking on other people’s inspirations, goals and ideals of what the physical body should look like and how to care for it. Interestingly, in the months since, I have tried to adjust my own nutrition based on my own needs or wants and also left my gym to allow for a freer schedule. You see, there are so many things that are interwoven with self-image and self-love. I share this in this post to encourage and empower you to take charge of your own health, but also to help me work my way through all of the things that are becoming part of this journey for me. 

Firstly, habits. I tend to break my life into two parts. Before the stroke and after. This is a reality, actually, the stroke forced me to make changes in my life, to adjust to a new way of seeing the world and myself in it. The Christine before the stroke was one who was a perfectionist. But really when I look more closely at this tendency, it is ALL based on judgement, both by myself and by others. I wanted to be judged as perfect by others. I drove myself to follow every rule strictly. I was such a good rule follower and prided myself on it. But let’s face it, rules are usually made by others. So, when I was following the nutrition and workout rules set by my trainer, I was following them without really thinking about how this benefitted my health or fit what I wanted. In fact, I don’t think I thought about what I wanted other than to want to be the society’s ideal body. My trainer has an amazing gym and program and I learned so much, but I really saw myself taking on a nutrition plan, and never feeling able to adjust it for my own needs – because at the time I was a rule follower, not a renegade. Post-stroke I have wanted to move towards a more vegetarian/pescatarian diet. The nutrition plans I found at my gym or even from other home exercise programs didn’t really focus on this kind of diet. I kept going back to what I knew. I ate a very restricted diet and did feel really well, but could I feel healthy and eat a diet which matched my desired lifestyle? Doing this would take a break from the rules I had been given to creating something based on following what I wanted. My body has actually been rebelling too over the past year. I no longer can eat that pre-stroke diet. I don’t feel well and my body demands different kinds of foods. I am in the process of figuring out what my body needs now and hoping to find a diet which serves to energize and feed my body. This is still in progress though and I think I will be working on this for some time, but as long as I keep working towards it, I will reach this goal too.

One of the biggest factors that made me make this change was the physical ideal of beauty. I actually started pushing against this within months of my stroke. I had long hair. I cut it short. I colored my hair and now I am growing out my grey – and actually like it. Although, this too is an adjustment because it shifts your self-image and also how others respond to you. I know that the reactions and judgements of others shouldn’t affect your decisions, but, for me, this is something I am still working on releasing. As a woman in the U.S. I am bombarded on a daily basis with attitudes, images and statements which imply that a woman is only beautiful if she looks young and thin. I heard comments like “I have a mom belly,” from young women at the gym, who hadn’t had any children yet. It was not a complimentary thing to say this about themselves.  Why does a woman’s body which shows the fact that she has been pregnant become something we should cover up and hide because we don’t find it beautiful? I received compliments on my looks when I weighed my lowest in 20 years, what I weighed when I was married, in fact. I was told that I didn’t look my age and that was a compliment. People say this and mean well and I was pleased to get these compliments. Then after my stroke, I started to wonder – couldn’t I look beautiful and look my age? Why do women only get compliments when they look young? Why is 45 or 50 or 80 years old not considered beautiful? How awful, as a woman, to live in a society that tells you you only have a short period of time to be seen as beautiful and worth notice, and then what? Well, I don’t accept this. I believe that women can be beautiful at any age and really the beauty of being who you are and not striving constantly to deny your age or your body’s natural beauty is where I want to be. I don’t say these things because I think people shouldn’t train and eat healthy or set fitness goals to lose weight, if that is something they want to do. I say these things because I think we need as individuals to look at what is right for each one of us and set goals which foster self-love not self-judgement and unrealistic or forced desires to eternally look young. No one nutrition plan or training program is right for everyone and beyond that following someone else’s rules without reflecting on your own goals and why you have set them for yourself, leads to a life lived outside of yourself. Don’t give your power over to someone else. The only person who has the answers is yourself. Knowledgeable trainers and nutritionists can help guide you along the way but you should always center the focus on YOUR body’s needs.

Ah, to know what you want! This is hard too. It takes time and reflection and attention. It also, for me, took courage and faith in myself. And, oh, patience! Finding what works for you doesn’t happen over night. I again took inspiration from my trainer. She created her nutrition and training program over years trying things out, experimenting, reflecting and creating something that truly matched her own goals and her body’s needs. This is what I want for myself. Unfortunately, I don’t have background in physical fitness or nutrition. But … what I DO have is a new connection to my intuition. This intuition has guided me well in my life, especially in the post-stroke years. My body is also a good tool and I just need to pay attention to it and be patient allowing my body to adjust and tell me what works and what doesn’t. Lastly, I need to let go of the perfectionist.

A part of this post-stroke body for me is also the process of aging in ways I cannot control. For me, these past few years have meant that my body functions differently than before. My stamina is not what it was before, so my workouts are not the same. I also have noticed that my body has changed in shape. I have gained weight in areas where I didn’t have extra weight before, but I still weigh relatively the same as before the stroke. My skin has changed. I notice more wrinkles and sags. I also accept that perhaps I have a little bit of a facial droop from the stroke. Maybe to others these things aren’t s as noticeable, but I see them but I also accept them. I still feel beautiful but I feel differently. I feel comfortable and accepting of these changes while at the same time I do mourn moving on and aging out of one phase of my life and into the next.

One last thing I want to say about this and this is a truth I realized recently about myself. I didn’t really love and cherish my body. This was a revelation for me and, of all things, it came to me when I was reflecting on the moment of my death. I know, I know how morbid! But here’s what I realized. In this vision I was embarrassed and repulsed by my body, which I left behind as I saw my spirit leaving it behind. It was an odd realization, that I felt this way. I never knew I saw my body this way. How sad too. My body is getting me through this life, without it I wouldn’t have this earthly experience. Something shifted in me in that moment. I see my body as a gift now and that means in its imperfections too. The important thing is not how young or beautiful it looks, it is how healthy it is, so that I can keep enjoying my life and doing the things which bring me joy. 

Cherish your body wherever it is in this moment. Honor it for all it has given to you. Move forward and walk into the world in deep connection with your body so you can care for it. And most importantly listen to your own needs and take only what serves your highest and best.