I went to a butterfly farm with my daughter several years ago in the spring. We spent an hour in a tropical room filled with luscious plants and butterflies. It was so calming and magical. We came home that day with a caterpillar and a home for it. The plan was to take care of it until it hatched as a brand new butterfly. Then we would let it go in our yard and wish it a beautiful life, which we did. The butterfly is so often used as a metaphor for a spiritual journey and awakening, which makes total sense to me. It’s like the story of the ugly duckling, who it turns out was really a beautiful swan waiting to grow into its own.
Since the beginning of 2018 I can’t stop using this analogy to describe how I feel. I feel like a butterfly that’s just hatched. They struggle their way out of the dark of the cocoon. As they sit and unfurl their wings, they slowly flap them, getting used to these new wings and how it feels to even have wings, what it means to have wings. Think of all the things they can do now that they are light as air and able to fly above the earth and to live among the flowers! It must take some time to adjust to this new, brilliantly colorful world. Eventually they do leap into the world and try out those wings and see what flowers they can find.
This is me. This is us.
I am sitting here with my new wings, amazed at this new world and all the possibilities it is bringing me. It takes some getting used to, this new lightness, I just think that we human butterflies need a little longer to adjust before we can take the leap out into the brave new world. My caterpillar self was pretty heavy and parts of it are still clinging to me. I still have those moments of self-judging, self-shaming, guilt, doubt, which all cocoon me and restrict me from moving forward along my spiritual journey. Really, when you think about it, those challenges are essential to a spiritual journey. Journeys are always really about learning about yourself and you can only do that by being confronted with situations, beliefs, events, people, who make you realize who YOU are and how you want to live. This can only happen if you choose to recognize these challenges as the come into your life and really feel your way into them. I found that when I was confronted with challenges in my life before, I would shy away from them. It was far easier not to explore my reaction and why I felt that way about a situation or opinion or event. Now I am realizing that my opinions and beliefs about the world are valid and worth living by. I am shoring up my heart and soul to moving ahead into the world and living them out in the open, regardless of people’s reactions to them. I am taking time to check and see how I feel, taking time to explore the depths of who I am, and honoring that. It’s definitely an ongoing process. It must be odd for those people, family and friends who have know me for all these years, to finally see and hear me. Before I would say nothing or only speak out when I was part of the majority. Now I am emerging into the world and stepping forward into the light so everyone can see me, finally.
A lot of this hiding myself came from self-doubt, fear and lack of love for myself. As children take on the labels people around us place on us. We are the smart one, the little one, the athlete, the loser, the geek, the weirdo, the bully, the homecoming queen, the quiet one. Those labels stay as our truths until we wake up. In my mindfulness class we talk about building new neuropathways. It is possible to release the old pathways, the belief system built around us by the world, cand build new ones. I am finding that I can replace my old beliefs with positive ones simply by making the positive ones become more frequent and not judging when I do have negative or self-sabotaging thoughts. We believe what we hear the most about ourselves. The power of the word. So, like I always told my students, the world we live in is full of people who will tell you what you can’t do, what you aren’t capable of, that dreaming is unrealistic, to lower your expectations, it goes on and on, why would we add to these so distructive beliefs? Why would we do this to ourselves? If we are so bombarded by all of these negatives from the moment we are born, it seems reasonable that it might take some time to shed them. But you cannot just remove a belief system and not replace it with something. So, instead of adding to the negative beliefs the world weaves around us, let’s stand up for our beautiful selves and start talking about our dreams, have faith in our magnificence and our unlimited potential, take some risks, accept compliments, celebrate and honor our individuality, and love who are in this very moment in every small and glorious imperfection!
Now I know, without a doubt, that I AM a butterfly. I am taking time to get used to my wings, my beauty, my magic and my possibilities. I am sitting in the sun, slowly moving my wings, giving them time to dry and taking time to enjoy the warmth of the sun. No rush to fly off, those flowers will be there for me when I am ready, but for now, I am content and feeling very blessed that I made it this far and so full of joy and passion, and looking forward to discovering all the fields and fields of flowers in my future.
Finding Dharma 